There is a trope in Disney films, particularly the Princess movies, that
involves the death (usually off-screen) of the main character’s mother.
After the death of the princess’s beloved mother, her father remarries
and his new wife subjects the poor princess to all manner of cruelty.
The princess becomes a slave, is abused, neglected, etc.
The Dead Disney Mom trope has been attributed to the tragic loss of
Walt Disney’s own mother, Flora Disney. The story widely told is that
she died as a result of a gas leak in a house that Walt had purchased
for his parents. Apparently, Disney was so grieved by the loss that he
created a long list of characters (not just princesses) whose mothers
have died.
Of course, a quick Google search can squash this rumor. Snow White,
which was released a year before Walt Disney’s mother’s death,
featured a princess whose stepmother not only abuses her and makes
her a slave, but hires someone to take her into the woods and kill her. That fact begs the question, why do most Disney princesses have dead
mothers?
The answer is pretty simple, but it opens up a very difficult and
uncomfortable conversation. Disney moms have to die in order for
the princesses to undergo trials and tribulations at the hand of a mother
figure. After all, no natural mother would treat her child that way, right? No
mother would subject her birth-child to cruelty, abuse, and neglect, would they?
Short answer, yes. They would. And sometimes they do.
The stepmothers, adopted mothers, and kidnappers who torture the
long-suffering Disney princesses have some common elements. They all
exhibit forms of narcissistic behavior. Snow White’s evil stepmother resents
the fact that her young stepdaughter’s beauty has surpassed her own.
She cannot allow Snow White to outshine her.
Cinderella’s wicked stepmother uses her as a Scapegoat, banishing her
from the inner circle of family and treating her as little more than a servant.
Meanwhile, she spoils and indulges her two natural daughters, the Golden
Children, who are as wicked, cruel, and narcissistic as she is.
I think the most blatant offender is Mother Gothel, from the Rapunzel story, Tangled.
This mother figure is so obsessed with her own beauty and vitality that she kidnaps
the princess Rapunzel as a baby and keeps her locked in a tower in order to use the
healing power of the girl’s hair for the sake of her own vanity. Throughout the film she
belittles, manipulates, and gaslights Rapunzel to make her doubt herself and to cause
her to fear the world outside.
The fact that Walt Disney used stepmothers or mother figures to perpetrate such
cruelty and abuse is telling. Movie audiences are much more likely to believe that
a stepmother is capable of such behavior rather than a birth mother. Birth mothers
are caring, nurturing angels after all, correct?
Perhaps most are, but not all.
Some birth mothers are cruel. Emotionally distant. Neglectful. Manipulative. Verbally
and mentally abusive.
Some mothers verbally abuse their children by saying things like, “You’re such a stupid
little idiot” or “You can’t do anything right” or “No one will ever love you.”
Some mothers invalidate the feelings of their children by saying things like, “You’re just
too sensitive" or “Can’t you take a joke?” or “You can dish it out but you can’t take it.”
Some mothers emotionally manipulate their children by telling them, “If you really loved
me, you would do ______” or “Everyone else is bad. I’m the only one you can trust.”
Some mothers use one of their children as a Scapegoat, focusing all their narcissistic
rage on them while doting and heaping adoration on their sibling, the so-called Golden
Child.
Such facts fly in the face of everything we as a society believe about mothers. As
evidenced by the flowery greeting cards designated for Mother's Day,
society puts mothers and motherhood on a very high pedestal. Mothers
rank up there with saints and angels. They are thought of as impossibly
good, gentle, and selfless. We don’t like to think about a cruel, abusive,
or narcissistic mother.
However, the uncomfortable truth is that they exist. Most often, they only fully
unveil their true selves behind closed doors. After all, appearances are everything
to the narcissist. While she may appear charming, funny, and even admiring of her
child in public, this type of mother reserves the worst of her abuse for the times when
no one else can see.
That’s the most insidious part of this type of abuse. It’s hidden. There are no outer
scars or bruises There is no proof that the abuse is even taking place. It’s all hearsay.
Oftentimes, the things that happen are so ridiculous and wild that even if the child
managed to speak up, no one would believe them.
Why would your mother do such things? She seems so sweet. Surely you must have
misunderstood. You must have done something to have provoked her.
It’s incredibly lonely to be the child of this type of mother. You see other mothers who
truly love their children and you wonder, “Why can’t I have that?”
You may even blame yourself and think that if you could just be/do/have
(insert quality here) that your mom would love and accept you.
The hard truth is this: giving birth does not make you a mother. And it certainly
doesn’t grant you innate powers to be a good one. Being a good mother is a choice.
You chose to do right by your child whether it benefits you or not. You chose to
sacrifice, to put yourself last, to empower your child
rather than tear them down.
The Dead Disney Mom is the ideal: the good, virtuous, selfless mother who loves her child
unconditionally. It’s what most people are given in a mother.
The Evil Stepmother is the reality of what children of narcissistic abuse experience
even into adulthood.
One of the most poignant moments from the movie Tangled is when Rapunzel finally
escapes from the tower and immediately begins warring with herself over leaving.
While she’s overjoyed at having broken free from her “mother,” she has an
overwhelming sense of guilt at “betraying” her. She goes back and forth between
exuberance and self-loathing for a long while before finally deciding to move
on with her quest.
Being the child of an abusive mother causes the same inner conflict when, as an adult,
you have to make the decision to go No Contact or Low Contact. It’s excruciating.
Society demands that you “honor your mother,” and if you distance yourself, even
to guard your mental and emotional health, you are seen as disrespectful and ungrateful.
But sometimes this is necessary. Sometimes, in order to heal, you have to set tough
boundaries with your abuser. That may mean keeping contact distant and to a
minimum. In extreme cases, it may mean cutting that person off completely.
It has little to do with forgiveness. You can forgive the neighbor’s dog for biting you,
but you shouldn’t stick your hand over the fence again. And it’s not about
punishing your mother for hurting you. It’s about making it harder for her to hurt
you again.
Disengaging is unbelievably difficult. It goes against everything we’ve been
conditioned to believe about mother/child relationships. Most people will just never
understand. They’ve been fortunate enough to have mothers who give them
unconditional love. They can’t imagine a mother who purposely hurts, humiliates,
and harms her child. Good for them.
For those who have managed to break free and are now working toward healing,
I applaud your bravery.
For those who have gone on to become the mom you never had: the nurturing,
selfless, angel, I applaud your tenacity. Breaking generational curses like the abuse
cycle is incredibly hard, especially when you have no good example to follow.
Often in these cases, the best you can do is imagine what your abusive parent would
do and then do the opposite.
If nothing else, know that you’re not alone. There are people who know exactly what
you’re going through. There are whole books on the subject. There are support groups.
There are subreddits.
I see you, Princess. You can break free, with or without Prince Charming.
It’ll hurt like heck, but it’s far better than the constant pain of being abused by the
person who is supposed to love you the most.
Don’t worry about what anyone else says or thinks. They have not lived your story.
Give yourself the happily-ever-after that you deserve.
