Things I Will Not Give My Children

Today is my younger son's birthday and there has been a lot of discussion about gift-giving. He's listed several things he wants and I've done my best to grant his requests within reason. However, there are some things that I decided long ago to not give my kids. They're intangible, but they carry with them a lot of weight and influence. I can't say that I will never give these things to my children. After all, it's difficult to break the chain of modeled behavior. But I will do my best to never impart these "gifts" upon my sons.

I will not give my children:

Destructive Criticism-
There is a HUGE difference in lovingly showing a child that they've erred and berating them for making a mistake. If they don't fold the towels properly or they spill their milk or break a knick-knack I want to keep my cool. There's no need for dramatic screaming or name-calling.

Speaking of name-calling...

I will not give my children:

Demeaning Names-
Pet names are cute (mostly). I often call my sons "Dude". I will not however, call them ugly names out of anger. There is never an acceptable reason to refer to a child as a "stupid little idiot" no matter what they've done.

I will not give my children:

Blame for My Bad Behavior-
"I'm sorry, but if you hadn't made me so mad I wouldn't have_____" is not an apology. It's just another way of saying "You deserve my abuse."

And while we're on that topic...

I will not give my children:

Emotional Manipulation-
My children DO NOT owe me anything. Yes, I gave birth to them. Yes, I raised them and provided for them. That is my duty and privilege. That does not entitle me to anything of theirs and does not make them beholden to me. They do not have to do anything to earn or retain my love. Repeat: They do not have to do anything to earn or retain my love. Period.

I will not give my children:

Disdain for Their Talents/Interests-
I will not mock my sons for "wasting paper" with their art or writing projects. I will not sneer at their creative endeavors. I will not dismiss their creations as worthless or frivolous. I will also not criticize them for what they enjoy. I may not understand their love of Dystopian Fiction or Five Nights at Freddy's, but I won't mock them for liking them or try to keep them from enjoying them.

I will not give my children:

The Brush-Off-
Yes, there are times when they want my attention when I happen to be very busy. I have to remember though, that every moment is precious. They pass and are quickly gone. I don't want to look back and regret not taking advantage of the moments when my children wanted to talk to me, sit next to me, cuddle with me. I want to try to set aside whatever I'm doing and give them my attention. I want to ask how their day went, how their projects are progressing, how they feel about this or that. Their thoughts and opinions matter to me and should be heard and acknowledged.

I will not give my children:

Comparison-
My sons are pretty much polar opposites. But their uniqueness is important to who they are. I don't want to ever make one feel like they are less than the other because they don't do ________ as well or they aren't good at _________. I don't want to compare them to other people's children either. I want them to own and be proud of who they are, quirks and all.

I will not give my children:

Pressure to Perform on Command-
My children's gifts and talents are their own. They are not a commodity for me to use to make a name for myself.

I will not give my children:

Reason to Doubt that I Love Them-
Oh sure, they may feel I'm mean when I discipline them, but they'll know deep down that I do it because I love them. Love is an action. It's not a thing that is bought and sold. Buying "stuff" is not an adequate expression of love. Love is being there when my children need me. Listening to their problems and worries without judgment. Supporting them on the sidelines or from the audience without calling attention to myself. Knowing their favorite color, their favorite song, their biggest fear. I want to show them that I love them in all the small, everyday ways that add up to a lifetime of confident knowledge that they are cherished beyond words.

I don't claim to be a perfect parent. I make mistakes every day. I don't want to be above openly apologizing to my kids when I mess up. "I was wrong. I should have handled that better. I'm sorry." I'm imperfect and so are my sons. But we love and respect each other and we encourage each other do better. That is family. That is Love.