Friday, May 06, 2016

Burning the Bridge

I am a people-pleaser. Always have been. I want to make people happy and I absolutely hate to feel as if I have disappointed someone. While this is not really a bad thing, at times it has left me exhausted and frustrated. There is no pleasing everyone. Someone is going to be disappointed no matter how hard you try to avoid it. Yet, I still try very hard.

Unfortunately there are people in this world who feed off people-pleasers. They see them as an easy energy source. They take and use and drain and know that they will not be told no because their unassuming host is "too nice." 

My friends, there comes a time when we have to put a stop to such behavior, no matter who it is from. Being kind is a good thing, a godly thing. But being a doormat is not. We are of no use to anyone if we constantly have our energy and emotions drained by people who don't give anything in return and don't care. When you come to the realization that you are in this type of situation there is only one thing to do; burn that bridge and walk away.

It's a difficult thing to do, especially if the bridge you must burn is one you carefully built all by yourself. Perhaps you reached out to someone and over time developed a relationship with them. You gave them your time and energy and were happy to do so. However, the other person never met you half-way. You labored over your bridge only to have it met with utter disregard and ingratitude. And even worse, your hard work is seen as something they deserved, rather than the labor of love that is truly was. 

How do you put a match to something you have so diligently and lovingly put together? It's painful, heart-wrenching, but it must be done sometimes in order to move on. When the stress of holding a friendship together all on your own is too much, it becomes necessary to let it go. When a relationship brings more worry and stress than joy, it's time to carefully examine the nature of it. Are you the one doing all the caring? Are you getting buried under the weight of the other person's demands? Are your feelings being consistently disregarded?

If the answer is yes, burn the bridge and don't look back. Don't do it out of spite or revenge, but do it out of love and respect for yourself. You deserve to have your feelings considered, your thoughts appreciated, your efforts regarded with gratitude. 

As people-pleasers, we don't do anything for applause or recognition. We do it because making other people happy makes us happy. But for some people, your efforts will never be enough. They will continue to use you as long as you allow it. They will take and take and take until you are empty. 

If you do decide to burn the bridge, be prepared for a tirade on how selfish you are. You will be accused of being unfair and of "not being who you used to be." Don't take it to heart. 
If there are not accusations, there may be an apology of sorts. Tread carefully. Users know how to get to our soft hearts with tears and promises to change and be better. They say the right things and even may show a momentary display of gratitude. However, if the pattern holds true, once they're back in your good graces their original behavior will resurface and the cycle will start over.

Burn the bridge. Torch your precious handiwork and use the light of the flames to lead you to a better path. You tried. You made a beautiful thing. It led nowhere, so now it's a bonfire. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm not totally disillusioned. I think there are still a lot of wonderful, appreciative people out there. I believe in true love and friendship. I have lots of loyal, loving people in my life. Having those people makes it easier to give myself permission to walk away from those who are not loyal and loving. I will continue to give of myself and try to make the world a brighter, happier place, but I will not allow myself to be drained dry. 

I have no anger or malice toward anyone. I wish only the best to all the people I have known and loved. But I and every other people-pleaser must learn to set boundaries. Not limits on our love and devotion, but on how far we are willing to allow ourselves to be pushed. It's okay to say no. It's okay to speak up and say, "I will not allow you to treat me with disrespect." If they cannot comply, torch that bridge. Don't linger over the flames and don't let a single tear douse it. Toss a match over your shoulder and walk away. 

It's okay. You're not a bad person. Repeat that to yourself. I am not a bad person. 
But you are a person and you deserve more than toxic relationships that leave you depleted. There are good relationships out there. Keep looking. Build more bridges, but don't be afraid to burn those too if necessary. You'll know the right ones. In those, you'll be met halfway by a friendly smile and a voice that says, "Hey, nice bridge!"

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Kinda Makes Me Want to Play "Free Bird"

Last week I did something drastic, something daring, something a little crazy. I deleted almost every one of my Facebook contacts. I deleted my best girlfriend. I deleted my pastor. I deleted everyone except my husband, my sister, and my mom.

Why? Because I was a Facebook junkie and I seriously needed help. This wasn't some spur-of-the-moment decision either. I wasn't that one person who gets mad because not enough people wished him/her a happy birthday so they "leave Facebook" in a fit of rage only to show back up a few days later with more drama. I have been systematically whittling down my Facebook activity for months. At first I used an app designed to give you more control over what content you see in your timeline. I had also "unfollowed" a large number of people who were clogging up my news feed. Last Tuesday I decided to go full-on Cyberman and delete almost everyone. I don't regret it at all.
"I have not spoken to you since 10th grade. You will be deleted."

I know what you're thinking. Why didn't I just deactivate my Facebook page? Because although that is an option, technically the page doesn't go anywhere. It's always there and I'm always connected to all those people. Facebook is like the "Hotel California" of cyberspace. "You can check out (log out) any time you like, but you can never leave..."

No, if I wanted to be free from endless scrolling, obligatory birthday wishes and invites to try essential oils, weight-loss shakes or monogrammed knapsacks, I had to purge my friends list. In truth, very few of those people were actual friends. Most were casual acquaintances, people I knew in middle school, people I had performed with in shows, etc. But even my true, close friends had to go. I didn't want the temptation.

So how has it been? In a word, unbelievable. I kind of wish I had done it sooner. I no longer spend an hour every morning scrolling through and looking for something to "like."  I see only the few pages I follow, some news and weather sites, some inspirational pages, and of course, all my soccer stuff.
"Don't worry, man. We're safe."

Since I had deleted all my contacts, I took things even further and... *gulp!* I uninstalled Facebook on my phone. I left Messenger so I can still get instant messages, but Facebook is no longer on my phone at all. That's crazy since I pretty much only got a smart phone so I could get on Facebook from anywhere. But here's the deal, I don't miss it! I went out last weekend and had no need to "check in" at the restaurant, or post a photo of my meal to my Facebook page, or scroll through my news feed instead of enjoying my surroundings. My phone stayed in my purse unless I needed to check the time. 

A week in, this is been a mostly positive experience. I sent out a lot of personal messages prior to the purge to let my friends know what was going on. Most of them were very supportive. Of course, a few just did not understand and one even accused me of being selfish and unfair (another good reason to ditch.) However, I'm letting that roll off. I need more in my life than a bunch of contacts. I want real friends and a life that I am fully invested in. I don't want a series of picture-perfect posts. I want to enjoy every day and every moment to the fullest. 

You know it's bad when Jesus face-palms you.

Now, before anyone gets the wrong idea, I do not think I'm better than anyone else, nor do I think Facebook is the problem. Facebook, like gelato, sunbathing, and Celine Dion, is fine in moderation. However, when you are chained to your electronic device in order to stay connected to social media, it becomes a problem. I had a problem. I was all media and no social. Unfortunately, my friends list was the collateral damage in this detox process, but I think all my former contacts will be just fine without my constant stream of owl pictures, Josh Groban videos and soccer updates. Besides, that's one less obligatory birthday wish they have to send out.

"I spent two whole minutes looking for the perfect e-card!"

Friday, January 15, 2016

The One About David Bowie

I have hesitated to post a blog about David Bowie for a number of reasons:

Reason #1- I was afraid of shorting out my keyboard with my blubbering.

Reason #2- I needed to process the reality of his loss.

Reason #3- I didn't want to post a hastily written "tribute" that said little of why I was and still am inspired by him.

Several days have passed now since he took his place among the stars and I feel I can at last write about him and his incredible influence on me.


I suppose I always knew who he was. At least, I could always identify him: weird, skinny guy, sometimes made-up, sometimes not, maybe bisexual, possibly an alien... David Bowie. He was just kind of there somewhere on the edges of my consciousness, inhabiting a space I didn't often visit. Then, for some reason, I began to see him everywhere. He was online, in odd references, on television, even on an episode of Spongebob Squarepants (It's Atlantis Squarepantis, btw.)

Lord Royal Highness has two different colored eyes.

I've come to recognize this phenomenon as an important clue to something significant. It often happens when I'm on the brink of some sort of personal discovery, breakthrough or transition.  I decided to give that sparkly, strange man a chance and see what he was all about. I found myself utterly intrigued, but it took a while longer to figure out why. Oh sure, he was pretty to look at and he was great to watch and listen to, but there was one thing that stood out above all that for me. He seemed absolutely fearless.

Maybe fearless was all part of the act, but from what I've read and seen and listened to, I get a sense that Bowie did what he did without explanation or apology. He never seemed too hung up on the critics. He wrote and sang and shocked and amazed in his strange clothes and wild antics, putting himself out there, not for anyone's approval, but because that was what he did. 

When I "discovered" David Bowie, I was in a period of upheaval and transition. For many years before that time I had held back from artistic expression out of fear: fear of failure, fear of criticism, fear of rejection, etc. I had not put myself out there in order to spare myself the pain of disappointment. I saw in Bowie a personal bravery that I wanted to claim. I wasn't ready for balloon pants or sequined platform boots, but I was ready to let go of my fear and put my work, myself, my heart on the line. And best of all, I wanted to do it for ME. I heard a wonderful quote from him in an interview that perfectly summed up what I wanted to accomplish:

"...An audience's appreciation is only going to be periodic at the best of times; you fall in and out of favor continually. I don't think it should be something one should be looking for. I think you should turn 'round at the end of the day and say "I really liked that piece of work," or "That piece of work sucked." Not, "Was that popular or wasn't it popular?'"

~David Bowie~
1988 Interview with Joe Smith

I decided to stop worrying about what everyone else thought of me and my work and just do what I do and enjoy it. That time opened up into one of the most energetic and creatively productive times in my life so far. I wrote more than I had written in years. I sang, I sketched, I painted, I played. It was incredibly fulfilling and I felt a deep sense of gratitude toward David Bowie for sparking it.

Last Friday, Bowie's 69th birthday, my husband and I went out for dinner and rambling downtown. We found ourselves on a comfy leather couch in front of a big screen television and one of the music channels was playing the footage from the 1973 Odeon Concert (the Retirement Gig.) We sat and watched and marveled at the spectacle that was David Bowie. I'm so glad now that we shared that time; that we were able to appreciate him while he was alive. By Monday, he was gone.

I'm still coming to grips with the reality that he has departed forever, but I am so grateful to have access to the enormous body of work he left behind. He was a creative genius, a brilliant performer, and an innovative thinker who was way ahead of his time in many ways. He'll never be forgotten. 

"It's only forever..."

Saturday, January 02, 2016

Drum Roll Please...

Yesterday I was unsure of how I would view the year 2016. I didn't have a catchy title for it or any big flashy spin on it. It was just well, a new year.

Today inspiration struck (as it is wont to do) in my shower. I tend to spend a lot of time doing a wibbly-wobbly timey-whimey hula dance between What Could Have Been and What May Be. So this year, 2016, will be "The Year of Now."

The Year of Now, you ask? Let me 'splain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.

N: Never Dwell On The Past-

I have a lot of problems with coulda, woulda, shouldas. I endlessly mull over what I should have said or could have done, etc. It serves no purpose other than to drive me nuts and worsen my TMJ. The past is over. Take a glance back now and then to remember the lessons, but don't focus on it.

And no capes!

O: Own Today-

Today is all I have and it deserves my full attention and energy. Today I will own my mistakes, my successes, my body, my style, and my opinions. I will weigh them out and make sure they are genuine and not based upon what I feel others want or need to perceive about me. I will ask myself, "Why are you doing this? Is this useful? Is it worthy of your precious time? Is this something you truly desire to do or is it fueled by a desire to be viewed a certain way?" If I can trim off the Life-fat of everyone else's expectations, I can get down to the business of using what I have been given to do what I need to do. 

Unfortunately, my Life-fat is not that cute.

W: Worry Less About Tomorrow-

This seems like a no-brainer, but for most human beings, it's incredibly hard to do. We seem to feel like if we think about the future hard enough and long enough, we can form some sort of fool-proof plan for any situation that comes along. We lie awake in bed at night, dreaming up millions of scenarios that could happen and what we will do in said scenarios. Truth is, we have very little, if any control over what happens in the next moment. 

I remember a song from elementary school that went something like:

Don't you worry 'bout tomorrow 'cause tomorrow doesn't come until tomorrow...

I'm a long way from elementary school, and now the days pass by in a blur. Why should I waste any moment of today preoccupied with what may or may not happen tomorrow? There is nothing I can do about tomorrow except chill and have faith that God's already there. I have a life today with family and friends and jobs and opportunities. Tomorrow they may be gone. Best savor them in the here and now. 
Out of the mouths of babes... and tigers.

So there's my big, sparkly, neon-flashing 2016 slogan. Ta-dah!  Maybe it's simplistic for some people, but for me it could possibly be life-changing. What will happen when I stop double-dutching between  the past and the future and just live moment by moment today? It's the slow path, according to The Doctor, but that's quite fine by me.
Or for people with one heart, no time machine, and no power to regenerate.

2016: The Year of Now. That has a nice ring to it. I'm up for its challenge.
 Live big, live brave.
Live now.

*I am awarding myself Nerdiest Blog Post Ever for this one. How many fandom references can you spot?

Friday, January 01, 2016

Not Another Auld Lang Syne

I'm not one for New Year's resolutions; I've had very little luck keeping them. However, I do look forward to the start of a new year as a clean slate and a chance to make myself and my life a little bit better. A few years ago, I instituted the "Year of No Fear" that ended up having some surprising results. I made a conscious effort to quash my fear of failure and embrace opportunities and wound up finding my dream job, getting into freelancing and publishing several pieces.

So, what will 2016 be for me? I'm not really sure yet. I want to be physically, mentally, and spiritually healthier, and I've made a good start. My husband and I got each other Fitbits for Christmas and they are really quite motivating. I'm very competitive with myself, so every day I try to beat what I did the day before. I also bought myself a soccer ball. I know I'm not going to be Alex Morgan or Abby Wambach, but I can kick it around the yard for a bit of exercise.
That's how I look when I do it too...NOT!

I want to get back to eating cleaner as well. It's really not difficult to do. I love fresh produce and meats and have lots of great recipes for clean meals.

I don't have any delusions about being a size 4. I've been super skinny and it was no fun. I want to be healthy and toned, and for me that involves having some curves. I'm okay with that. I have a 20th High School reunion coming up this summer and my goal is simply to shape up as much as possible. I want to look and feel amazing.
Because I have a lot to make up for. (That's one of my Senior portraits circa 1996.)

That's really all I have in the way of "resolutions" and I purposely leave that interpretation loose. It's not about making promises, it's about making positive changes and eliminating the things I know are not good for my physical, mental and spiritual well-being.

Happy New Year, everyone. If you make resolutions, I hope you keep them. As for me, i'm just going to try to make 2016 the best year possible.

Monday, October 12, 2015

Good News

It seems as if every time I turn on my television or log onto the internet I am bombarded with story after story and image after image of atrocities and disasters. War, floods, earthquakes, riots, murders dominate my news feed and leave me reeling from the horrors of the world. How does one cope with such waking nightmares? Where can a person find peace in the midst of world-wide turmoil?

Simple answer: Peace can be found in Jesus Christ.

Now, before you tune me out and write me off as one of those crazy Born-Again fundamentalist whackadoos, just know one thing. I share this only because I love people. I have no judgment or condemnation to bring upon people. I am a flawed human being who sins and fails God every day. But I have been given Grace. However, I believe with all my heart that the Age of Grace is coming to a swift end and so it is with great love and urgency for my dear friends that I share the Truth with you.

God loves you. He does not wish to see one person spend eternity in hell.

"Well, why does He send people there?" you ask.

Again, simple answer: He does not send people to hell. We send ourselves by rejecting Jesus Christ.

"But I'm a good person!"

That's great, but the Bible says that the best of our efforts to be good are like dirty rags to a Holy and Just God. We cannot earn our salvation, but that brings us to the Good News. We don't have to!!!

God sent His Son, Jesus Christ as a perfect sacrifice for our sins. Jesus took upon himself the weight and shame of all our sins and paid the price for them. He suffered the punishment we should have had as sinners.

Through his sacrifice, we have direct access to God the Father. We don't have to go through priests or perform rituals and follow a bunch of impossible rules in order to earn God's favor and redemption. We have been given a chance to come to God through His Son and ask for forgiveness for our sins. God grants us His Grace and Mercy when we come to Him in the name of Jesus and confess our sins to Him and turn from those sins to follow Him.

Life is impossible to navigate without God. Without the peace He gives, this world becomes a dark and dismal place in which we don't know where to turn or what to do. How wonderful it is to be able to come to God as His child and say, "Help me, I'm lost, confused, depressed, stressed, worried, afraid, etc." 

The Christian life is not without worries or problems (no matter what Joel Osteen tells you.) There are difficult times. But as a Christian, you will never go through those times alone! You have a loving Savior on your side, not to mention a brotherhood of other Christians to lift you up in prayer.

"But what about all those hypocrites?"

Look, Christians are human. We mess up. We do and say things we should not. We succumb to temptations. If any person tells you that they do not sin, they are a big, fat liar. We all do. But true Christians will do their best. They'll repent and ask for forgiveness. We try not to judge, but unfortunately, it still happens sometimes. The key is not to fix your focus on flawed humans, but on Jesus. He never messes up or disappoints. He'll never lie to you or lead you astray. He will never break a promise to you. 

Dear friends, I feel in my heart that time is very short. Things are going to be brought upon this Earth that will be unlike anything we've seen before. If you haven't given your heart and life to Jesus Christ I beg you to do so before it is too late. All it takes is simple, child-like faith. God will hear and answer when you call out to Him. He loves you and wants to know you and show you the way to peace and joy! 

None of us can figure out this life on our own. And none of us can be "good enough" on our own to earn eternity with God. But remember the Good News: We don't have to do it on our own. Jesus Christ has already done it for us and we only have to put our trust in him to receive a place in Heaven.

You don't need any flowery language or thees and thous to pray to God. He is a loving Father who longs to communicate with His children. A simple prayer is all it takes:

Pray this prayer wherever you are right now and God will save you. He will change your life and give it meaning and purpose! He will give you joy and peace in whatever circumstances you are facing.
Be blessed my friends. Trust Jesus Christ with all your heart and in every part of your life. He loves you very much and I do too!

Monday, August 17, 2015

10 Signs You Were a Church Girl in the 90s

The 90s were like, totally awesome in so many ways, but they were especially cool for church girls. If you were a member of a church youth group, GAs, or other religious organization during the 90s you probably have a lot of fond memories of lock-ins, pizza blasts and fundraising car washes. You probably also remember that:

1. You had a crush on one or more members of the group DC Talk-
Most 90s girls had to say a prayer of repentance at least once for secretly wishing to have Toby Mac's babies. And you may or may not have had a dance routine to "Jesus Freak."
Eminem?  Puh-lease...

2. You knew the power of Veggie Tales-
Any junior leader knew the importance of having a library stocked with Veggie Tales videos for Junior Church or nursery duty.. They were funny and entertaining and if you timed it just right, parents were there to pick up their kiddos just as the credits rolled.
"It's time for Veggie Taaaaaaaaaales!"

3. You knew WWJD-
The trendy bracelets not only advertised the fact that you were religious, but they were a big help when making important life decisions. Should I answer back to this rude person? What would Jesus do? Should I go to that wild party? What would Jesus do?  Should I wear sneakers or sandals?  What would Jesus do? (Duh, sandals.)
'Cause Christians need swag too.

4. You thought Shout to the Lord was the bomb-
This praise song turned power anthem was a staple at youth rallies and retreats during the late 90s. It was like the "Bohemian Rhapsody" of church songs. If you heard it you had to sing it at the top of your lungs. Whether you could sing or not.
We loved Darlene Czeck  Czech  Zwieback ... whatever.

5. You kissed dating goodbye-
The well-known treatise on Biblical courtship by Joshua Harris came into vogue in the latter part of the 90s. While people could argue that Harris made some good points, most of us just jumped on that bandwagon if the approaching weekend found us dateless.
*Sniff* This is waaaay more scriptural.

6. You went to Church Night at the skating rink-
Many skating rinks had a special "Church Skate" on Wednesdays. They would forgo the MC Hammer and Madonna and play Christian artists like Michael W. Smith and Steven Curtis Chapman. Youth groups would come by the busload for good, clean, potentially bone-breaking fun.
There's nothing like busting your rear-end to the pulsing beat of Carman.

7. You laughed at Mark Lowry.
 Mark Lowry was the Christian comic du jour of the 90s. He was goofy but joked about stuff we 90s church kids could totally relate to. It wasn't a good church van trip until the group leader pulled out the Mark Lowry cassette tapes he bought at the Christian Book Store.
Yes, that is what television sets looked like back in the day, kids.

8. You went to or worked at a Judgment House
While most of our friends were going to haunted houses during Halloween, we church girls were attending or volunteering at our church's Judgment House. We splattered ourselves with  fake blood and played accident victims or we dressed in all white with tinsel halos and played angels. Because what's Halloween without dressing up and scaring the crap out of ministering to people?
Nothing says "Jesus loves you'" like seeing people being dragged to Hell by teenage "demons."

9. Your church had Chick Tracts-
Chick tracts are like Judgment House comic books. They don't pull any punches and they cover a wide range of topics: evolution, Dungeons and Dragons, greed, drinking and much more! Most 90s church kids were aware of the entertaining stories and nightmare-inducing depictions offered within those weird little tracts.
Charles Dickens won't mind...

10. You went to church camp-
Whether it was Centrifuge, Crosspoint, or En Fuego, church camp awesome. There were games and music and cool inspirational speakers who re-lit your spiritual flame. You had a great time with all your church friends and came back with renewed passion. And a glow-in-the-dark t-shirt.
"Dude, I've gotten saved like 3 times already this week..."

What did I miss?  What are your favorite memories as a 90s church kid?